AAAGH! Sharp pain shoots through my shin as I crash into a rock and stumble into the shallow rapids. Arms and legs are going everywhere as I try to regain my balance.
I limp along, blood dripping down my shin, a nasty lump growing before my eyes. The Sharing Bali boys look up from their little riverside hangout in alarm as I blunder towards them.
“What happened?” A very good question. I had just taken a big slide down my Grace-Meter.
My self imposed Grace-Meter is a new addition to my life. A little while back I realised I needed to bring a little Grace into my life. It was part of a promise to myself to navigate my way out of the clutches of Grief. I recognised it, defined it, made a plan, tested it out… and posted it to my blog to keep me honest.
How am I doing with my quest to live with more Grace? It’s a rollercoaster ride. The highs see me poised, thoughtful, and at times downright serene. The dips are fast and furious plummeting me into moments of chaos before thankfully sweeping me back into the calm of an easy pace.
So how did I end up with a giant size lump on my leg that put me out of action for a couple of weeks? Mindlessness. Nervousness. A distracted monkey mind. (Wayan’s favourite expression of my over-thinking moments. He claims he can hear the monkeys chattering at full speed).
I lost it. I was anxious to find the boys who were around the next bend in the river. I walked off without my walking stick. I NEVER do that. I was looking ahead, not where I was. Distracted. And I paid the price. It may not seem like such a big deal and previously I would have passed it off as just another stupid klutzy moment and all but laughed it off. But in my current state of mind it shocked me. Not only the pain. It left me with a feeling of vulnerability. I’ve created a very physical life. Injuries change everything.
What about Grief?
Some days it’s nipping me on the heels. Short, sharp reminders that momentarily stop me in my tracks, but I can flick them away. Quick pain that catches me by surprise.
Other days it’s biting a big chunk out of my heart. Painful. Raw.
It’s always there.
Live. With. No. Regrets…. Oh so easy to say those words. But right now I have regrets. Loads of them. My mind often wanders off to …..
I wish I had said….
I wish I had spent more time.
I wish I had appreciated more moments.
I wish I had gone full speed at turning our creative projects into reality. (What was I waiting for? The perfect day?)
But I didn’t.
I can’t go back. Accept today.
Eventually the bruise and the pain finally disappeared and with that came the physical freedom that so fills me with lightness, pushing me back up the Grace Meter.
Bringing in Grace …… this is not going to be an overnight transformation.